There are many things you should sit down and ask your partner before you say I do. Picture: Supplied Source: Sunday Mail (SA)
BEFORE you take the plunge, have a think about your values and what it is that you want out of this life together.
Thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone? There are some questions you should ask first.
What are your and your partner's financial goals?
Money often causes conflict, so airing your views before tying the knot is important. "Ideally, you should have the same financial goals, whether you want to save for a house, a holiday or to have a baby," says Sydney-based financial expert Analaura Luna.
"Being financially intimate is essential if you're going to create, and reach, shared financial goals. Talk honestly about what matters to you, such as how many children you want, whether you're bringing debts, savings or assets to the union, and what you'd like to achieve in the future."
Ms Luna says a recent PayPal survey revealed that 30 per cent of Australians regularly argue about finances. "Be open about your financial habits and work together to create strategies to reach your goals," she advises.
Who will be in charge of our money?
The days when women looked after the house and men looked after the money are gone. When considering who is going to control your finances, you need to play to your strengths. "If the woman is more organised, she should be in charge of budgets and bill paying," Ms Luna says.
"And if your partner is more experienced with investing, then perhaps they should handle the investments. We also advise that couples have three bank accounts: a personal account each and a joint account to cover combined household expenses."
Ms Luna says having personal accounts brings a level of independence to your marriage."It's demeaning to have to ask your partner for 'permission' to spend your money, or to have to justify everything you buy."
When will we have kids, how many will we have and who will look after them?
"The issue of children is so important, especially if the relationship breaks down and kids get caught in the middle," says Eric Hudson, vice president of the Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors. Decisions about children will be largely influenced by a couple's own family experiences, he says. "But the truth is that families come in all shapes and sizes."
Child care is another issue, especially if both parents have good careers. "There are many more dads taking time out from full-time work to become full- or part-time at-home parents," Hudson says. "Hopefully, the 'absent father' issue is becoming a thing of the past and parenting will be seen as an important role for both parents."
How involved will our families be in our daily lives?
Ask any couple and they'll tell you that in-laws can be a blessing or a nightmare. While some newly-marrieds depend on support from their families, others see marriage as a time to strike out on their own.
"Every pyramid has a pinnacle block and that crowning stone symbolises the primary partnership of a husband and wife," says body+soul's relationship psychologist, Toby Green. "It's an exclusive space. Everyone comes down from there, including children, parents and family."
Mr Green says that once a monogamous relationship forms, the couple must graduate from being their parent's children. "It is their duty to defend their partner over their parents," she says. "But to a certain degree, it is also important for both to compromise when accommodating their respective in-laws."
Is there anything you're not prepared to give up?
Whether it's spending Friday nights with the guys or buying expensive shoes, we all have behaviours that may need to be reviewed aft er marriage. "It's imperative that a couple discuss what they're willing to sacrifice from their single existences before committing," Mr Green says.
Money and past friends are the trickiest to negotiate, she says. "If she has an old male friend she wants to retain, for example, it must stand the 'cup of coffee' test. That means if all three can sit down and feel comfortable, any insecurities should be reduced." Mr Green says that once a couple has agreed on shared values, it's healthy for each individual to pursue earlier interests. "It brings new energy into the partnership."
What if one of us gets offered a job somewhere else?
This can be a major upheaval for a couple, especially if both have good careers. Although many companies will pay for the cost of relocation, you will have to leave behind family and friends and, in an overseas move, there might be legal issues surrounding whether your spouse can work.
"If one partner has to sacrifice a job, or put their career on hold for the other, both parties need to agree that accepting a position elsewhere is worth any impact it may have on their relationship," says CareerOne expert, Zsa-Zsa Bowie-Wilson.
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