The final three. At last, the shameless polyamory is nearing its end. Source: Channel 10
LOUISE imitated a former prime minister, Sam attracted the cage-rattling wrath of a shark, and Blake seemingly forgot how to dress himself.
All that and more in our latest Bachelor recap, as one more girl is cut from Team Blake. Read on ...
The Bachelor moment nobody expected
Highlights from the 'Tell All' special
PRE-DATE SHENANIGANS
Blake is meeting the three remaining Bachelorettes in South Africa, because Australia clearly isn't romantic enough for this lot anymore.
Before he catches his plane, however, Blake pops into a jewellery store. He wants to design an engagement ring from scratch ... even though he still has no idea who its recipient will be. That's a bit like buying a Valentine's Day card when you're still single, and scrawling "to whom it may concern" inside.
"I never expected to be falling for three women," Blake says. Apparently the guy thought he'd get to pash and lightly fondle everyone in sight without forming any emotional attachments.
Clerk: "So, who's the lucky lady?" Blake: "I have no freaking idea." Source: Channel 10
Meanwhile, at the airport, Sam appears to have missed the point of the show entirely. She's formed a deep, lasting relationship all right, but it's with her two fellow contestants.
"I love you ladies so much," she says, while sharing a drink with Lisa and Louise. "I love you guys soooo much!"
"Did I mention that I love you guys yet?" Source: NewsComAu
Everyone's feeling better about life now that the "frontrunner", Jess, has been eliminated.
"Being in the final three with Lisa and Sam, it's just ... I can't believe it," Louise says. "I really believe that these girls are meant to be here. We truly want Blake to end up with his soulmate."
It's nice to see the women haven't lost sight of what's really important here — Blake's happiness.
"Yeah, I ... like you too, Sam." Source: Channel 10
SAM'S DATE
Blake, who was already incessantly sooky, has become perpetually incredulous as well.
"I can't believe I'm here in Cape Town," he says, having successfully traversed the Indian Ocean. Then: "I can't believe I'm in South Africa." This guy would be a killer guest at church luncheons. The lack of belief is staggering.
Sam finds Blake at a pier in the early hours of the morning, and immediately jumps onto him, squealing. By The Bachelor's standards, that greeting is the equivalent of a disinterested handshake. Show some passion, girl.
"Ever so nice to see you again, old chap." Source: Channel 10
"Today I've got something incredible planned," Blake says, modest as ever. "See that cage, right there? We're going to go out and we're going to dive with some Great White sharks."
This idea would terrify most people, but Sam is actually quite keen.
"I just wanted to get on that boat and go diving," she tells the camera. That's almost as reckless as signing up for a nationally televised TV show which thrives on humiliating its contestants.
"I love you so much that I'm going to feed you to a bunch of famished sharks." Source: Channel 10
On their way out to sea, Blake and Sam spot some seals frolicking in the water, which is exciting — until a hungry shark appears.
"All of a sudden, bam! Out of nowhere, this shark takes this seal down," Blake says, before firing up the incredulity machine again. "I couldn't even believe my eyes!
"You can't look away ... It's the strangest experience I've ever had," he says. That's funny, because I think exactly the same thing every time I watch The Bachelor.
"Well, that really killed the mood." Source: Channel 10
Eventually, Blake coaxes Sam into the water, and a Great White shark bashes their cage a few times. To be honest, Jaws was more exciting, but Sam's relentless potty mouth under pressure is a definite highlight.
After confirming that all their limbs are still intact, the couple head back to shore, where Blake promptly guides Sam onto another boat. Clearly, nothing impresses the ladies more than a massive ... yacht.
"I'm the king of the woooooooooorld!" Source: Channel 10
As they lounge around on the ship's bow, giggling like a pair of snobby teenagers who've taken their rich parents' boat for a joy ride, Sam decides to broach a serious topic. She nervously prattles her way through a long series of unintelligible sentences, before finally dropping the "L" word.
Yep, a Bachelor contestant has officially fallen in love with the Bachelor. It's the shocking twist no one saw coming.
"That makes me so happy, to hear you say that. To know that you're feeling that way," Blake says.
No "I love you too" then. I guess he can't say that yet. There are still other girlfriends.
Sam: "Do you love me too?" Blake: "No more talking now, just snogging." Source: Channel 10
LOUISE'S DATE
Blake ferries Louise out to wine country, where they eat some fancy shmancy smoked trout for lunch.
"It's, umm ... it's as pretty as the view," Louise says of the food. Note the moment of hesitation when she realised how cheesy her line was going to sound. At least she didn't say "it's as pretty as your gorgeous man face".
"It's, umm ... it's as pretty as the smoked trout." Source: Channel 10
As always, Blake is in a mood to nitpick. While he obviously understands every tiny facet of Louise's personality, he feels as though she doesn't know him quite as deeply.
"I have a slight concern, and that's I feel I'm not 100 per cent sure that Louise knows me," he says. "Just those little things, the intangibles. Sometimes I get the feeling from Sam, from Lisa that they really, really get me."
Blake could discuss that concern openly with Louise, but instead he chooses to dance around the issue with some vague questions. Meanwhile, Louise keeps flicking her hair back. All the time. Stop doing that Louise. You're not Kevin Rudd.
Is this Louise or Kevin? I really can't tell the difference. Source: News Limited
Just as Louise leans in for a smooch, a group of African singers interrupts them. This really makes her feel emotions and stuff. In fact, she starts to cry.
"I've never had someone go out of their way to really do something for me, and it's just beautiful," she says to Blake, in the midst of a small breakdown.
It's nice to see someone finally acknowledging Blake's awesomeness. He's so thoughtful, allowing Channel 10 to organise such romantic dates for his multiple girlfriends. What a smashing lad.
"Guys, we were pashing! You can't just interrupt like that." Source: Channel 10
"My day today with Blake has been the most incredible, extraordinary and heartfelt date that I've ever, ever experienced in my life," Louise says, as Blake takes her to the estate's presidential suite.
"It's so romantic, and you know, I've never been treated like this in my entire life. I've never had so much romance.
"I'm just so grateful. So absolutely grateful."
This sopfest seems to be building up to something, and sure enough, Louise becomes the second bachelorette of the night to say "I love you" to Blake for the first time. What a remarkable coincidence.
"Sam said exactly the same thing to you earlier? Oh, very funny darling. Good one." Source: Channel 10
LISA'S DATE
"I really want to have kids. And I know it's not now, but it's definitely down the track," Lisa tells the camera.
Actually Lisa, it is now — at least temporarily. Blake takes her to a school in Cape Town, which caters to the city's poorest children. She's swamped by laughing kids as soon as she enters the playground.
"They're sooo cuuuute!" Lisa yells, gleefully at first, before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
Blake tragically drowns in a sea of children. Source: Channel 10
"But, but ... he was too young to die." Source: Channel 10
Some of the students have drawn love hearts for Lisa, clearly attempting to position themselves as rivals for her affection. Watch out, Blake. They're all cuter than you.
"We could understand each other. And we were speaking the language of love," she says ... referring to the children, not the Bachelor.
Kids these days. They have such steady drawing hands. Look at the crayonmanship. Source: Channel 10
For the next, much quieter phase of their date, Blake and Lisa board a helicopter, which whisks them off to the famously lavish 12 Apostles Hotel and Bar. Once again, Blake has the presidential suite booked out. That move isn't quite so romantic when you do it for more than one of your girlfriends, mate.
"I want you to be the last guy I bring home," Lisa tells him. But unlike the other women, she's refusing to say the "L" word just yet.
"I really am wanting to say more, but I can't until I hear it from you," she says. "I'm putting my heart on the line to a guy who's dating two other girls."
That seems sensible. Of course, when Jess showed some common sense last week, Blake dumped her.
"You really should have taken Sam to a presidential suite as well. Just for the sake of consistency." Source: Channel 10
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Naturally, all three bachelorettes think this will be the most nervewracking ceremony yet. It will also be the ceremony with the most prominent, puckered mouths of all time — Lisa and Louise in particular are smothering their faces with lipstick. Laurina would be proud.
Meanwhile, Blake is really struggling to do up the buttons on his shirt. Bless him.
"More lipstick will make him love me." Source: Channel 10
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the lippiest of them all?" Source: Channel 10
"Where have my abs gone? Hmm. Too much girl time, not enough me time." Source: Channel 10
The man was one rogue brainwave away from sending Sam home last week, but this time, he gives her the first rose.
That causes Louise's face to spasm in an apparent mixture of disbelief and disgust. You can see why the other women call her "Stepford".
"I told Blake that I love him, which is just so exciting and beautiful," she says. Urgh.
"Sam? Really? But I'm so much better." Source: Channel 10
Sadly for Louise, the second and final rose is bequeathed to Lisa. She kisses her BFFs goodbye, then ambles outside to receive the traditional, awkward commiserations from Blake.
"The love that I have for you will last a lifetime," she tells him. In other words, if his relationship with the eventual winner doesn't work out, he should feel free to look her up.
So, Sam and Lisa will meet Blake's family in Thursday night's finale, and he will propose to one of them with that custom-designed engagement ring. Hopefully he has good taste in jewellery — and in women.
The Bachelor finale screens at 7:30pm Thursday, on Network Ten. Stay tuned right after the show for our recap. In the meantime, you can find Sam on Twitter: @SamClench
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