Bachelor recap: knives out for Blake-hog Jess

Blake says it's too soon to be thinking about having sex with the Bachelor contestants.

Jess didn't come here to make friends. Source: Channel 10

AS TONIGHT'S episode of The Bachelor opens, the girls sit around Bachelor HQ, breathlessly exclaiming that they can't quite believe there are fewer of them on the show than there were last week.

Uh, did anyone think to give these ladies a quick run-through on how the competition actually works?

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THE SOLO DATE

The episode's solo date is awarded to Queensland fashion designer Lisa, who's naturally thrilled. The others all give her their best "Happy on the outside, dying on the inside" faces:

"OMG babez so happy for uuuuu" Source: Channel 10

"You're gonna have the best tiiiiiime" Source: Channel 10

The date invitation states "You set my heart racing," and the girls are left pondering what on Earth this cryptic clue could mean.

"I'VE GOT IT I'VE GOT IT I'VE GOT IT," Mensa candidate Jess announces. "It means you're going to the RACES!"

Amazed by her intellect, the other girls rabidly scream in unison. You can feel the poor sound guy's ears bleeding.

Turns out, Jess is right: for her date, Lisa is whisked to the Royal Randwick Racecourse, where Blake is waiting, dressed as Carrie Bradshaw for some reason.

Bachelor Blake Garvey. Source: Supplied

Carrie Bradshaw. Source: Channel 10

With the racecourse closed off to the public for the day, Lisa and Blake are to pick a horse and jockey each for a private race.

Once the race starts, Lisa lets rip with a series of gravelly, impassioned screams, each louder than the one before. As her horse crosses the finish line first, she throws her head back and screams "Yes! Yes! I won!" while Blake sits, defeated, with his head in his hands.

Lisa decided to show her willingness to commit by placing a wedding cake jauntily atop her head. Source: Channel 10

Basically the entire sick spectacle is the sort of extended sex metaphor not entirely appropriate for a family timeslot. BAN THIS FILTH etc.

After the race finishes, the pair sit down to lunch and Lisa opens up about her hopes and dreams. Having kids? "It's definitely down my alley," she says, which seems a particularly crude description of childbirth.

Later on in the date, Blake gives Lisa what he calls a "victory massage" while whispering sweet nothings in her ear with those rich, velvety, Barry-White-on-Xanax tones of his.

The whole ordeal is VERY CREEPY.

"JUST A LIGHT REIKI WILL BE FINE, NO THANK YOU NOT TODAY PLEASE" Source: Channel 10

After all that the awkward touching, Lisa finally admits to Blake that she can imagine herself falling in love with him. For some reason, he then comforts her as though her cat's just been run over.

"It's OK sweetheart, Fluffy's gone to a better place and we'll get you a new cat before next school holidays" Source: Channel 10

Date finished, Lisa heads back to Bachelor HQ to regale the girls with the intimate details of her sexycreepy massage. They all feign smiles, but admit it's hard hearing such personal details about a guy they're crushin' on.

"I try to separate MY Blake that I'm dating with the Blake that Lisa's dating," Zoe tells the camera, smiling brightly despite displaying worrying early signs of Multiple Personality Disorder.

AN UNSPECIFIED MEDICAL EMERGENCY

The next morning, the girls awake to some disturbing news: after experiencing severe abdominal pains through the night, Laurina has been rushed to hospital.

Sam's got her priorities straight: "What does this mean for the rose ceremony?" she asks, absent mindedly picking at her toast.

The other girls have the presence of mind to at least cluck and coo about poor Laurina's health while silently rejoicing in the efficacy of their respective voodoo dolls.

THE GROUP DATE

For this week's group date, the girls descend on Manly's Q Station, an old quarantine station-turned-hotel that host Osher 'I Can't Believe It's Not Andrew G' Gunsberg describes as Australia's "most haunted" location.

"Thousands of immigrants came through this quarantine station to start a new life in Australia. However, for many, their journey ended here. Their bodies are buried on this property," spookmaster Osher informs the contestants.

Fun fact: I spent a weekend at Q Station last year and the only terror I experienced came via the deafeningly loud lovemaking noises of the middle-aged couple in the room next to mine, which still haunt me to this day.

Oh my, well isn't Blake just POURED into that top. Gee I hope nobody reads these captions Source: Channel 10

Renowned psychic Debbie Malone is also on hand to offer up her deeply scientific findings about Q Station: "It is extremely haunted here, so you should expect lots of visits from ghosts tonight," she announces.

The girls are led into the old quarantine hospital, each no doubt privately hoping there's still some remnant of the black death left alive on a surface to help thin out the ranks of the competition a little.

"Right this way, ladies. Mind the candles - I just watched The Craft." Source: Channel 10

Debbie, who sees "the past, the present and the future," announces that there are some spirits in the room because "I'm feeling really cold on my back."

Maybe you just need to toss on a jacket, Debs?

It's not long before Debbie starts reading the girls, and not in a fun, Paris Is Burning kinda way. After informing Jess she's a "1 and a 5" on the numerology charts ("B*tch please, I'm at least an 8.5" - Jess, probably), she turns her attentions to Sam, grasping at her jewellry and telling her she's prone to worry.

"YES," Sam thinks to herself. "THIS WOMAN IS GOOD. I HAVE EXPERIENCED WORRY BEFORE."

Blake interjects and asks Debbie if he's on the path to finding lasting love.

"Could be …. yeah … you could be," is her conclusive answer. Jackie Gillies must be choking on her La Mascara right now.

"How does Debbie sleep at night? Like seriously! Jesus," Louise says to camera, which sounds rather more accusatory out of context.

Debbie then leads the group on a spooky g-g-g-ghost tour of the station. Entering one room, she tells them that "When I've been in here I've actually seen some men sitting up there on the rafters just watching me," but doesn't specify whether they were netherworldly spirits or, say, workmen. I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

"Smell that, girls? That's a ghost" "Debbie pls no not again" Source: Channel 10

Debbie's insights continue as they venture deeper into the hospital:

"I don't know what's going on over there … I don't know if it's spirits doing that? It's horrible," she says, gesturing to nothing in particular as the girls do their best to look scared.

"This is one of the places where you may actually SMELL a ghost," she announces in another room, which is at least more creative than blaming it on the dog.

Despite touring one of Australia's most fascinating historical sites, the girls have only one thing on their minds: Jess, and her concerted, thirsty efforts to cosy up to Blake through the whole group date.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Having survived their group date despite Goosebumps levels of terror, the girls all mill around in the mansion for that awkward, penultimate waiting-around-for-the-rose-ceremony segment. To kill some time, Chantal decides to confront Blake one-on-one about the "general vibe" in the house that he and Jess are ridin' solo.

Jess: "Haterz gonna hate" Source: Channel 10

While she's doing that, the girls all turn on Jess, accusing her of playing dirty. She defends herself unapologetically — look, she didn't come here to make friends.

As the rose ceremony begins, Osher gives the girls an update on Laurina, who has already received her rose in hospital (*cough* PITY ROSE *cough*), where she's steadily on the mend.

"Waiting to find out if you get a rose is the most excruciating thing there is," says Jess, no doubt keenly aware that it was among the most feared of medieval torture practices.

Blake selects his ladies, and Sam, Louise, Zoe, Jess and finally Chantal live to flirt another day, leaving Lauren, one of the newer batch of contestants who never really got her moment in the limelight, out in the cold.

We hope Lauren's pumping The Corrs' I Never Really Loved You Anyway in that car. Source: Channel 10

Lauren, we hardly knew ye.

Side note: Sure, both Australian Bachelors so far have been hella-dreamy (Tim Robards in particular can get it, OKRRR), but why do all of these women react with such unwaveringly grateful joy when "awarded" a rose?

Just once I'd like to see a contestant scrunch her face up and say, "Yeah nah, mate. I'm off to join a womyn's circus. Peace out, bitches." *trapezes to waiting car*

Tune in for tomorrow's recap right after the next Bachelor episode, which screens 7:30pm Thursday September 11 on Network Ten. In the meantime, head over to Twitter and tell us what you thought of tonight's episode, or if you too have ever fallen victim to the paper-thin walls at Q Station.

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