It was a big episode for Jon. Source: Foxtel
SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode nine. If you haven't caught up yet, stop reading now.
Between Joffrey's murder and that rather distasteful business with the crushed watermelon last week, this season has been saturated with subtlety. Political machinations, creepy love stories and hefty doses of Westerosi legalese have dominated the show.
So, this week's full scale bloodbath was actually quite refreshing. For the first time since Blackwater back in season two, an entire episode was rooted in one part of Westeros, as the wildlings launched their attack on the Wall.
This was the most expensive hour of television in Game of Thrones' history, and frankly, I don't care if Weiss and Benioff borrowed money from the Iron Bank of Braavos to fund it. The battle was awesome enough to justify pretty much any expense.
Kit Harington As Jon Snow In Game Of Thrones 4 On Showcase Picture: Supplied Source: Supplied
It wasn't all meaningless action, either. There were some critical plot developments - the end of Jon Snow's relationship with Ygritte, the true beginning of Sam's relationship with Gilly, and a few more heartbreaking deaths for good measure.
I've split the recap into three subsections, covering the build-up to the battle, the battle itself, and the aftermath. Settle down with a steaming bowl of rabbit stew, or maybe just a few chickens, because this is about to get dense.
REMINDER: We're discussing the TV show here. If you've read the books, that's fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I'll get one of those wildling giants to sit on you.
Kit Harington as Jon Snow in Game of Thrones 4 on showcase. Source: Supplied
Before the battle
•The episode began atop the Wall, where Jon and Sam were sharing watch duty. Adorable, virginal Sam decided to pass the time by quizzing Jon about women, love, sex and Ygritte, asking appropriately penetrating questions such as, "How big were her feet?" Jon was half amused, half awkwardness personified, but Sam did not waver in his pursuit of sexual truth. "We're all going to die a lot sooner than I'd planned," he said. "You're as close as I'll get to knowing!"
•After assuring Jon that their vows did not specifically forbid sex (funny, you'd think someone else would have noticed that), Sam asked him what the whole shebang was like. "Well I don't know," Jon replied, after several failed attempts to muster an explanation. "I'm not a bleeding poet."
•From Sam's quickly fading innocence to, well, the wildlings. Tormund's gang of cannibals, wargs and axe-wielding hipsters was nestled in the landscape just a few hundred metres from Castle Black. As Tormund described his own less-than-poetic sex life, Ygritte sharpened a bunch of arrows with Jon's name on them. Then she sledged the cannibals' leader, Styr, because her desire to fight someone apparently wasn't obvious enough already.
•Maester Aemon found Sam reading about the wildlings' unsavoury practises in Castle Black's library, and dwelling on the fate of Gilly and her baby. "Love is the death of the duty. I told that to your friend Jon Snow once. He didn't listen. And neither did you," Aemon said, before recalling his own female-saturated youth as a Targaryen prince. "We could spend all night trading tales of lost loves," he said. "Nothing makes the past a sweeter place to visit than the prospect of imminent death. Go to bed, Tarly."
•Sam never made it to bed, because Gilly showed up at the gate of the castle just as he was walking past. Pyp, who was manning the gate, initially refused to let her in. "Pyp, open the F***ING gate!" Sam yelled. Wow. Embracing Gilly, he made a solemn, sincere, and extremely breakable promise. "From now on, wherever you go, I go too," he said. Two horn blasts sounded, signalling the start of the wildlings' attack, so Sam hid Gilly in a locked room, promised her he wouldn't die (I can see a pattern of behaviour developing here) and left.
During the battle
•Acting Lord Commander Thorne shared a rare moment of modesty with Jon atop the Wall. "We should have sealed the tunnel when we had the chance. Like you suggested," Thorne said. As Tormund's wildlings flooded into the castle below, Thorne was forced to leave Janos Slynt in charge so he could join the fighting. "A hundred generations have defended this castle," he told his brothers on the ground. "We've never fallen before. You won't fall tonight!" It was a stirring moment - almost stirring enough to make you forget about the guy's petty, insufferable personality.
•Janos Slynt, who has never been fit to command anything, proceeded to have a massive freakout. After some helpful prompting from Grenn, he fled back to ground level and hid in the same room as Gilly. Janos' departure left Jon in charge of the Wall's defence.
•In a flurry of murderous activity, Tormund wounded Thorne and Ygritte shot an arrow through Pyp's neck. Pyp died in Sam's arms, marking the battle's first major casualty. While that was happening, a giant started to push its way into the tunnel underneath the Wall, so Jon sent Grenn, along with five other soldiers, to stop it from going any further.
•Finally moving from Pyp's corpse, Sam rushed to the top of the Wall to fetch Jon, who descended to the surface and started chopping up wildlings as though he were dicing carrots. He ran into Styr, and eventually killed the creepy cannibal with a hammer blow to the head.
Styr joins Oberyn on the Game of Thrones scrap heap. Source: Supplied
•Jon then found himself face to face with both his old lover, Ygritte, and the pointy end of her sharpest arrow. Once again, he was at her mercy. Once again, she hesitated. And in that moment, the scared little boy who had been operating the Wall's elevator shot her through the chest.
•Ygritte collapsed into Jon's arms. "Do you remember the cave? We should have stayed in that cave," she said. "We'll go back there," Jon replied. Ygritte's final words could not have been more appropriate: "You know nothing, Jon Snow."
The wash-up
•Ygritte, Styr and Pyp were killed during the battle. Grenn stopped the giant in the tunnel, but lost his life in the process. Tormund was captured by the Night's Watch. Thorne was injured. Jon and Sam survived.
•As the de facto commander of Castle Black's remaining forces, Jon was under no illusions. "They (will) hit us again tonight," he told Sam. "Maybe we can hold them off for a day or two, but we never beat them." Jon decided to search for the wildlings' leader, Mance Rayder, in a desperate attempt to stave off more attacks. "The wildling army is only an army because of Mance," he said, before handing his sword to Sam and walking off into the snow.
Best one-liner
As Tormund's band of wildlings waited for their signal to strike, Ygritte outlined her most important goal for the coming battle. She was planning to reclaim Jon's "fun bits".
"The only thing left of him is going to be his fun bits hanging around me neck," she said.
Best Tywannical glare
During the same conversation, Ygritte stared down (up?) a man twice her size in the form of Styr, the creepy cannibal.
"Jon Snow is mine. Anyone else tries to kill him, I'll have an arrow for them," she said, with a fiery glare to match her hair.
Nipple count
Nipples? They're for fancy pants lords and ladies who live in Braavos, King's Landing and those castles - err, windmills - up north. No time for nip slips in the middle of a war zone.
"Hodor" count
Zero. Those giants may have looked like Hodor's bigger, much uglier second cousins, but sadly, none of them spoke Hodorish.
Least appropriate sexual tension
Maester Aemon shared a brief but rapturous moment with his own imagination as he counselled Sam before the battle. The old Targaryen codger recalled a time when young women fawned over him.
"Some of them were quite forward in their attempts to win my affections. One of them succeeded," he said. "I can see her. Right in front of me. She's more real than you are."
Aemon got a bit carried away, but in the end he made his point.
Most disgusting moment
The moment when Ygritte shot an arrow through Pyp's neck was disgusting AND distressing. At least Pyp managed to pierce one wildling through the heart first. We'll call his ledger even.
Most Sansastically irritating character
Janos slinky slithering Slynt the wimp. Finally, after season upon season of slimy mediocrity, Janos was given a chance to do something heroic, like his mate Thorne. Instead, he hid.
Just so we're clear, the traumatised kid whose parents got EATEN a few weeks ago racked up a higher kill count than Janos.
Burning questions
•What will be Mance Rayder's first words when he sees Jon Snow? "Kill him" would seem a prudent choice, but nothing is ever quite that simple in Westeros.
•Why isn't Janos Slynt dead yet?
•Where are Bran and Hodor? Come to think of it, where are Stannis and Davos? Everyone seems to have disappeared.
No Tyrions were harmed in the making of this episode. Source: Supplied
•Oh yeah. TYRION. Is he going to live or die? Hopefully we'll find out next week, because if the writers leave us hanging, I just might have to read those damn books.
What did you think of episode nine? Comment below (no book spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ
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