The ladies at this week's ASTRA Awards. Lydia: "Hands up if you don't own a jet!" Picture: Getty Source: Getty Images
DRAG queens, psychic painting and expletive-filled meetings in the ladies room: we're halfway through the first season of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, and things are only getting crazier.
This week's episode opens rather sedately, with a rare night out together for Chyka and husband Bruce. The pair go out to dinner in St Kilda and gossip about their single friends, both laughing about how appalling it must be to be single. This is just Great. Couple. Behaviour.
Real Housewives, episode 4: One-night stands and drunk ski trips
Real Housewives, episode 3: Girls gone wild
Real Housewives, episode 2: Angels and demons
Real Housewives, episode 1: In their own (ridiculous) words
After dinner, Bruce has a surprise for Chyka: he's booked out Luna Park for the evening. Because there's nothing more romantic than wandering through an abandoned amusement park at night. Wait, did we say romantic? We meant TERRIFYING.
"Darling, the only thing that could make this evening more unsettling is a bouquet of severed dolls' heads." Source: Foxtel
Next, we check in with Jackie, who's off to meet rocker hubby Ben at an art studio. He's there to greet her, and insists she wear a blindfold as he leads her to the big surprise.
"But the only time we do this is in private times," she says of the blindfold, obviously referring to their long nights spent playing pin the tail on the donkey while listening to Frogstomp.
Ben's big surprise for Jackie? Artist Aaron Kinnane has designed the label artwork for their line of ready-to-serve cocktails, La Mascara.
Artist Aaron Kinnane's about-to-be-destroyed-artwork. Source: Foxtel
But Ben has another surprise. It's about to get ALL Pro Hart in here, because he wants Jackie to 'improve' the painting. This means smearing flowers, paint, glitter and other items over the canvas until it looks like this:
Jackie Gillies, AND WE QUOTE: "The is gonna make me cry. The colours, the design — this is a f***en' masterpiece." Source: Foxtel
As she sets about ruining another person's carefully crafted artwork, Jackie experiences a deep spiritual awakening. We'll let her take over here:
"When I was throwing those flowers and paint down, it was almost like a miracle has happened. On a human level, it's hard to explain it. I could feel the support of the angels and all my loved ones who've passed away, and the universe was saying 'Here you go, you've done it.' It was very overwhelming — it makes me a bit teary."
Look, we're not sure if angels exist, but if they do, obviously their biggest concern would be supervising the label design of Jackie Gillies' line of pre-mixed cocktails.
While we're on Jackie, can we talk about her, ahem, unique method of drinking champagne? Dead-eyed, tongue out — it's like watching a particularly glamorous gecko.
MMMMM Jackie that looks lovely. Source: Foxtel
In tonight's episode Jackie's swilling champagne because a) it's a day of the week ending in 'y', and b) it's Janet's birthday. The girls (sans Lydia; she decided to go to the snow at Thredbo, y'know) descend on South Yarra's Botanical Hotel for cake and champers — but there's tension in the air.
Andrea decides to confront Gina about an incident from a few episodes back, when Gina fought with Jackie at her housewarming. It's inappropriate to start a fight at a friend's party, Andrea reasons, glossing over the fact she herself is starting a fight at a friend's party.
The outburst rattles the girls. Chyka describes it as "a shock" that Andrea would "bring up something from the past," which suggests that Chyka has never before seen an episode of Real Housewives and perhaps thinks she's appearing in a nature documentary. No matter, we're just happy to see Chyka made it out of that haunted theme park alive.
Gina storms off to the bathroom with Janet, and for some reason starts bitching about Lydia, who isn't even there. We can only assume that, like us, Gina can't quite remember which of the other women is which.
Your mic's still on, doll xxx Source: Foxtel
The party never really starts until someone drops the C-bomb. The ladies jump in a limo and head to the next part of Janet's birthday celebration: gay night at Love Machine. As they enter the nightclub, Jackie screams out "SHINE SHINE SHINE!" to no-one in particular.
Inside, there are drag queens. Gina is visibly excited.
"I love drag shows. The feathers, the rhinestones, the hair — I'm at home," Gina says in a piece to camera, then pulls this adorably contented face:
Gina blisses out while thinking about drag queens. Source: Foxtel
The following day, Andrea holds a focus group with a bunch of working mums, where she gauges interest in her soon-to-be-released parenting manual.
"The working title is The Working Mum's Revenge, because I don't want to be judged by women at all for anything, I'm sick of it," she says, rather defensively, to a group of women who haven't yet learned why they should judge her.
Andrea then starts to boast about her own, 12 Years A Slave-esque working relationship with her children's nanny. The women in the focus group respond with faces like this:
Thought bubble: "Gurl no." Source: Foxtel
Andrea remains unfazed. "There was a group of working women sitting there, and it struck me that they just weren't organised. The resounding message is — read my book, see how I do it," she says, before leaving the women with her most important child-rearing tip:
"I've got a rule where I don't let my nannies kiss my kids on the lips, because I don't want my kids to get coldsores."
Who are these coldsore-riddled childcare professionals and which bus terminal is Andrea finding them at?
Janet and Gina discuss which Muppet they should skin next. Source: Foxtel
Later, Janet and Gina — perhaps the only two women in the show who are believable as real-life friends — meet up for a drink, resplendent in matching fur (faux, we hope). They get gossiping about the other ladies, and Janet reveals her true feelings about Lydia:
"Everybody knows what I think about Lydia. She's friggin' brainless."
Umm, would a BRAINLESS woman spend $287 on cheese?
Speaking of cheese, across town Jackie drops in on Andrea for some sort of fromage fan club meeting.
"Try this amazing cheese that I got. I got this vibe that you'd love cheese," Andrea says to Jackie, adding quietly:
"I love cheese."
At episode's end, Lydia finally returns from Thredbo (sans cheese) and goes art shopping. She and a friend head to a gallery and check out some pretty, shiny sculptures.
"Look at the texture, this is that diamond dust, y'know, glitter," Lydia says of one piece, revealing an innate understanding of contemporary art practices.
You can just tell that bear is thinking, 'Please don't buy me'. Source: Foxtel
Lydia's drawn to one particularly striking sculpture: a large glittery puma, reclining under a black moon. Her friend asks what she thinks the piece might represent.
"Well, the moon, and the cat comes out at night," she explains.
LYDIA GETS MODERN ART, GUYS.
Lydia then asks the gallery attendant how much her favourite two pieces cost. One is $55,000, while the other is $75,000.
"Wow, that's actually quite reasonable," she muses.
There's only one appropriate response to that:
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