Angels and demons: what you missed on Housewives

From left: Lydia Schiavello, Andrea Moss, Jackie Gillies, Janet Roach, Gina Liano and Chyka Keebaugh. Mad, the lot of them. Source: News Limited

THIS week on Real Housewives of Melbourne: Lydia flirts wildly with her own stepson, Jackie continues to perpetuate the myth that her husband looks like Johnny Depp, and Gina discovers it's remarkably easy to make a psychic cry in public. Well done, Gina.

LYDIA

Lydia Schiavello and husband Andrew Norbury. Not shown: her hunky adult stepson. Source: News Limited

Lydia takes her adult stepson Sam on a shopping excursion. She explains that Sam is studying commerce at uni, except that she pronounces it 'commas'.

She says Sam "does love beautiful things; I guess that's why he loves hanging out with his stepmum." Soon she starts modelling a see-through Dita Von Teese negligee for him in the middle of the store.

"Sam's such a big spunk. Oops, did I say that?"

It's all a bit Woody and Soon-Yi, to be honest.

The ridiculous ladies of Real Housewives in their own words

Jackie Gillies: 'I'm the new girl at school'

Later, Lydia invites Newcastle girl Jackie to an art gallery for a one-on-one catch-up. She tries to bond with the new girl in town by offering up a totally relatable anecdote about how great it is to have her own private jet.

You see, when Lydia used to have to fly on passenger planes like some sort of Dickensian street urchin, she wasn't allowed to bring her Chanel perfume on carry-on. And sometimes she needed it, because there are often "really smelly people" on planes.

We'd love to know what Jackie's angels were telling her at that moment.

JACKIE

Jackie Gillies, guided by feathers. Source: News Corp Australia

You thought Jackie's insanity peaked last week when she said her ex-Silverchair hubby Ben Gillies was the spitting image of Johnny Depp? You thought wrong.

This week, Jackie and Ben decide to start their own line of alcoholic beverages, because they both love drinking. During a meeting, the couple's business partner explains that the alcohol market is extremely competitive, and it may not be a good idea to launch a new brand from scratch.

Jackie's response?

"That goes straight over my head because for me, I believe things can happen. I see a thought, I feel a thought, I see it, and I move forward with it. Just do it, because it's gonna happen. For me psychically, do I see this being a massive success? YES."

I guess that means it's only a matter of time before Jackie & Ben's Totally Bitchin' Rock Star Angel Juice appears in all good liquor stores.

Later at home, Jackie gets a visit from her 'BFF,' wedding dress designer Henry Roth. Their friendship seems a little ... forced. Here's a taste:

Henry: "You're my number one in my heart you know that!"

Jackie: "Oh don't. You're gonna make me cry!"

Jackie: "Now let's get the champers, let's go upstairs and lets converse!"

Henry: "LET'S DO IT AND LET'S DO IT INTENSELY!!!!!!"

Henry and Jackie then decide that it'd be fun for her to try on her old wedding dress. So they do it and they do it INTENSELY!!!!!

ANDREA

Andrea Moss (at right) with Lydia. Not shown: the nanny she's standing on. Picture: Simon Cross Source: News Corp Australia

This week, we get a further glimpse into Andrea's home life as the mother of three young children. Andrea has a multi-page checklist for her children's nanny that includes detailed instructions on everything from meal times to bed times, from bathing the kids to feeding the dog.

She says she plans to turn this checklist into a book for other mums to buy. We think we'd rather purchase Jackie's booze.

We learn that when Andrea's poor nanny goes to the park, she has to bring the 'nanny phone' — some third-world Nokia handset without internet access — and leave her own phone at home, so she doesn't get distracted takin' selfies and cruisin' dudes on Tinder.

"Your focus has to be on the children all the time, not on texting your boyfriend 'cos you've just had a fight," Andrea explains to the permanently silent nanny, who responds with a look that says: I WILL CUT YOU.

CHYKA AND JANET

Chyka, we want to love you, but you keep getting stuck with the boring subplots. Source: News Corp Australia

Janet and Chyka got the dud subplot this week, as they headed to a jewellery store to melt down Janet's old wedding and engagement rings in a symbolic act of single-girl liberation.

Moving, in theory, but watching the pair huddled out the back of a shop with an elderly jeweller as he laboriously melted the rings down by hand felt like a particularly dull Sovereign Hill primary school excursion.

GINA

Gina was our favourite even BEFORE she accused one of the other cast members of demonic possession. Source: News Corp Australia

Still smarting from Jackie's 'psychic' announcement last week that her partner is having an affair, this week glam barrister Gina goes in for the kill.

The pair meet at a coffee shop; Gina resplendent in a hot-pink, skin-tight, fur-trimmed outfit that makes her look like the love child of Maria Venuti and Miss Piggy.

When Jackie reiterates that the affair comment came not from her, but from her 'angels', Gina sees red. She calls Jackie a sorcerer and says that the figures she sees are not angels, but DEMONS.

Gina: "It's demonic, it's not of god."

Jackie: "I think you're a demon with the way you're acting."

With that, Jackie bursts into tears, frantically dabbing her eyes with a napkin, while Gina sits perfectly poised sipping her latte, a smirk on her face.

"In court, I usually stop when they cry," she shrugs.

See the next episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne, 8:30pm next Sunday on Foxtel's Arena Channel.

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